That being said, there is an incredible richness to this book that challenges the current societal environment of high anxiety, lack of self-differentiation, and an inordinate reliance upon on data that cripples our ability to make decisions just to name some of the areas that the author, Edwin Friedman, touches upon. If you are a parent, teacher, leader, family member, friend, essentially everyone, you should read this book. Or at least watch this video that summarizes it. (Approx. 7 min)
What struck me today as I was reading was this quote:
To the extent one focuses solely on how painful a situation is, there is no way to judge whether things are getting worse or really improving, fundamentally. Despite the fact that things seems to be getting worse, that is, more toxic, the entire system also may be adapting for the better. To recognize that fact can also help keep anxiety down (pp. 156-7).
The context of this is found in Friedman's discussion of a leader's (business, familial, religious) ability to evaluate the progress that an organization or group of individuals are making based upon how they "deal with their pain." Thus, the anxiety that he speaks of is concerned with the anxiety that the leader may feel when working with these individuals or organizations who are going through stressful and difficult situations. In other words, if a leader measures improvement based upon the pain that the other feels or experiences, thus More Pain = Worse and Less Pain = Better, a clear understanding of the process that is taking place will be skewed.
As leaders in families, churches, businesses, organizations, and even friendship groups, we oftentimes feel the pressure to "make things better." We, at times, want to remove the situations and causes of anxiety, stress, and pain. We want to stop the pain of loss, calm the crying child in the store, offer a more favorable picture of the future than what one truly sees, and the likes. We think that pain and suffering is bad. However, as Friedman points out, oftentimes this pain and the appearance of "things getting worse" can actually point to to a system, or person, adapting for the better.
True change and growth is stretching and it hurts.
As leaders, we must be aware of this internal drive "to make things better" or restore peace simply for the sake of resolving tension or easing pain. Our job as leaders is not to change everyone's circumstances or take away all difficulty.
As individuals who experience difficulty and pain, whatever the cause may be, we must not judge our present feelings as being indicative of the "goodness" or "badness" of our situation. It is often at the times of heightened tension and pain that the greatest transformation occurs.
In closing, Friedman provides some characteristics that help one deal with difficulty:
- Less reactive
- More contained
- Less blaming
- More imaginative
- Less anxious
- More responsible for self
- Less responsible for the feelings of others
- More accountable
- Receive suggestions for change well
- Treat those who help as coaches and not saviors
- Emphasize strength over weakness
Maybe this is a little of what we see modeled in the life of Jesus as the author of Hebrews says:
During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Son though he was, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him. (Hebrew 5:7-9)
good work. i agree on the book's importance for all to read, and it's depth of insight so far (half way done).
ReplyDeleteI think I told you about this other book that is similar but is directly connected to Christian leadership called "A Leader's Journey."
Deletehttp://www.amazon.com/gp/product/078796266X/ref=oh_details_o00_s00_i00
Hey matt, just finished this last weekend and I was really encouraged by the overall message. I found myself really wanting more, especially from the last couple chapters on how this actually works out. I also wonder about if we take this book hook line and sinker as followers of Jesus and especially working in ministry. Looking forward to more dialouge! -Amanda
ReplyDeleteAs we talked on Tues, I do think Friedman likes to deal with theory much more than the "how to's." Here is the link to the book "A Leader's Journey" that I thought was very helpful in applying the principles of Friedman to our lives - especially our family and ministry relationships. http://amzn.to/LTMoMp
DeleteThinking about whether "we take this book hook line and sinker" is an interesting question. I think that what I experienced and have known others to resist is the call away from "togetherness" and "empathy." I can't speak to whether that is the case for you or not. However, it was important for me to seek out what Friedman wanted to resist in togetherness and empathy. He does state that togetherness and self-differentiation are two necessary forces. However, he would argue that togetherness overlooks self-differentiation while SD notices togetherness and is able to value it and engage better. Maybe the comparison would be how in the church say often, "As you grow to love God, you cannot help love people." Well for those of us who have been around the church, we know that does not seem to always be the case. It does seem to what happens most of the time. I think those who grow in their self-differentiation recognize the need for togetherness. Those who love people, however, do not seem to, even primarily, gravitate towards loving God. The same with togetherness drawing someone to self-differentiate. That may be a poor analogy, but it was the best I could come up with.
And briefly on empathy, I think he redefines empathy a bit and wants to make the case that empathy is not the highest goal in a relationship. For us, we might say that Jesus' highest goal was not to let the disciples, the widow, the orphan, the homeless, or the immigrant know that he understands their pain. While it was important, his highest goal was to bring glory to the Father, do what he saw the Father doing, and this would accomplish much more than just empathy, though it was certainly a part.