Thoughts of Unwinding

We Are What We Desire

2012-01-19T23:11:00.000-05:00

I've been doing some really good reading this quarter so far. I started out with Desiring the Kingdom by James K.A. Smith. It was a great read. Smith argues that the we are primarily people of desire, not necessarily intellect or the mind. That what drives us, Smith says, are those things that we love or desire most deeply. In other places, he says that we are driven by our image of the "good life" or what it is looks like for "humanity to thrive." Whatever this image is, whatever we desire the most, is going to be what motivates us at human beings.

This is of great importance because, like all religions and belief systems, Christianity seeks to see transformation take place in those who are followers. In the Christian faith, the end goal is to become authentic worshippers of God and grow to live, think, love, and desire more like Jesus modeled for us.

However, the problem that Smith lays out is that the current culture that we live in is much more effective in shaping our desires and loves than the Church is. He uses the mall for example. As we enter into the mall, we are surrounded by images that continually paint the picture of what life is supposed to look like. I am to look like the models in the windows of Banana Republic or J. Crew and my (future) spouse is to look like a Victoria Secret model. And my (future) children should most likely look and dress like the kids in the ads in front of Baby Gap. We are pulled into believing that these images are what we are to pursue, what it looks like for us to truly be human. Creating desires in us that can only be met by rummaging through the racks of each store to find the perfect item that will somehow take us one step closer to what we truly desire: the good life.

Smith continues with his example from the mall. Many of us, though we wouldn't admit it, walk through the mall with a running scorecard as well. As we have seen these pictures of how life should be, we then begin to compare ourselves to those whom we walk by. The scorecard of attractiveness, fitness, fashion, and the like are tallied unconsciously throughout the night so that we leave either feeling better about ourselves or worse, depending on our ranking in the end.

Smith's intention is not to rail against the mall or even consumerism (there are many who have happily done that.) What he wants to make clear is that there are many institutions and practices that we engage in that are not neutral. Where we go and what we do shape our desires and our loves. As a people who at the deepest level are creatures of love and desire, we must not only be aware, but work to counteract this.

Herein lies the problem.

The Church, of course, do not agree with what the mall, for example, portrays as what is essential and vital to the "good life." What the mall tells us we should love and desire most deeply is not compatible with what the Christian faith tells us that we should love and desire most. In Matthew 13:34-35, Jesus tells the story of a man who found a treasure in a field. When he found this treasure, he sold everything he had to buy this field, so that he could have this treasure. The second story in these verses speaks of a buyer of pearls, who when encountering the greatest pearl he had every seen, sold all of his belongings to buy this one pearl. Jesus wants to communicate that we should desire the kingdom of heaven like this.

Throughout Jesus' life and ministry, he showed us pictures of what the kingdom of heaven looked like, what the "good life" looked like. It looked live loving your neighbor as yourself, forgiving others as you have been forgiven. It looked the last being first, and the poor no longer hungry. The good life was when people shared what they had with others in need. Jesus created in the people around him a hunger and desire, a longing for the life that he lived, that he exuded. He created a desire in the people around him for the kingdom that he preached and modeled to those whom he came into contact.

One might think that the Church has followed the example that Jesus set in being instruments of "desire-change." However, we have not been.

Recently, I heard a sermon given that did an excellent job of describing how the "world" thinks, how the world communicates its message to us, and how we buy into it. The preacher painted a great picture of what it looks like when we live self-centered, me-centered lives. However, when it came to the way that we should live our lives differently, how our lives should look with different desires and loves, the preacher told the audience to put God first and trust that he would take care of us.

Hmm...

While the preacher did a great job of displaying the desires and loves that were contrary to the way a follower of Jesus lives, we were given something to intellectually ascend to and something to believe. We were to believe that God was worthy of being more important than our own desires and that we didn't need to be self-centered.

These are true statements.

However, the sermon did nothing to create in me a desire or longing for what the preacher was communicating. The world paints a clear picture of what my life should look like, what I should desire, what I should love, what I should long for. It has no problem communicating to me that my life falls short of what is truly thriving. It is done through media images, sounds, rituals (going to the mall),literature, and all forms of desire-shaping means. These appeal to not just my intellect, but my desire, my loves, my image of the good life.

A call to put God first and to trust that he will take care of me does not.

Smith argues that, we as the Church, must be intentional about being a place where our practices - songs, sermons, liturgies, etc. - shape our desires.

So what do you think? What are some of the ways that the Church can be a place that shapes the desires of those who are a part of it?

tensions of the seasons

2011-05-18T11:36:00.002-04:00

i'm interested in the use of the analogy of the seasons i.e. spring, summer, fall, winter to our lives. i think i have been for a while. i'm a forward thinker. i don't sit around much and think just about the here and now. i need to have a sense that i am moving forward. that where i am is not where i will be.

and so.
the analogy of seasons has continual movement.
and purpose. it is easy(er) to go through winter when you know that the apparent death is only serving to bring future life. so this makes one feel better. it makes me feel better. but i wonder. as a follower of Jesus, i like to think that God is guiding and shaping my life in ways that I am unaware of. but what does this idea do to me? could it be that it allows us to cop-out a bit from being intentional in our decisions and actions?

i mean, if God is working behind the scenes then I am tempted to think that it doesn't matter as much what I am doing in front of the curtain. But it does matter.

The difference I think between the stories of our lives and the seasons in nature is that one has been set in place by God and it functions without a "will" or "decision" to go through these times. the change in the leaves will happen. the tree does not will it. it does not submit to it. it will happen.

is this how life is? will my life move in the direction that God desires it to be set in, no matter how I respond? what role do I play? and if it is, what does this deterministic view do to our motivation? and if it is not true, do I still live my life in this way?

i think i wrestle between believing it is all up to me or none of it is. i'll be honest. this is where I usually live.

seasons. i believe that it helps us think through imagery that gives us handholds to our current location. but it is not that clear. or simple. and like the Hebrew slaves in their wanderings out of Egypt, their season of being in the desert lasted 40 years. oy.

so the challenge is this: i must position myself to experience what God is doing in my life now. i must not shrink back. i must not sit on my laurels. my obligation is to obey and position myself to encounter God in his all the ways that he reveals himself, with all of the attributes that God is.

what do you think?

"Deuces" America! I'm Heading Down to Haiti

2011-03-20T11:05:00.002-04:00

I'm leaving for Haiti in approx. 6 hours. Crazy stuff. Less than a week ago, a friend and I were planning on heading to D.C. for a few days over Spring Break. Checking out monuments, museums, reading, and coffee shops. That all changed when the opportunity to help build an orphanage that Vineyard Columbus and other partnering organizations are funding. My friend Joel is heading up the project, and he has been down there for a couple months now.

I'm pretty excited.

What to expect? I don't know exactly.

Heat.
Hard work.
Relaxing evenings.
Reading.
Quiet.
Community.
Jesus.
Serving.
Cement.
Sweat.

Sounds like a good combination to me. So I will try to update this every so often over the next 8 days. Maybe posting some pics (thanks Laura) and maybe some thoughts.

Ordo Amoris

2011-01-29T15:31:00.005-05:00

While reading a biography of C.S. Lewis, I ran across something that he wrote about St. Augustine and virtue. St. Augustine defines the idea of virtue as ordo amoris, or the proper condition of one's emotions and desires "in which every object is accorded that kind of degree of love which is appropriate to it." In other words, virtue is to love and desire everything at an appropriate and healthy level in accordance with it's actual value and worth.

that's good. and difficult. all at the same time.felt

That's a big leap, right? How does one evaluate the proper worth and value of something, and then how does one measure what level of love or affection is appropriate to the worth ascribed to the object (Object in this context can be anything i.e. person, place, thing, idea, feeling, philosophy, etc.). But throughout philosophy and history, there is this sense that some things are worthy of praise and honor and to be highly valued. Aristotle and Plato thought that the purpose of educating children should be to teach them what is good and bad, right and wrong.

so it's not a Christian notion. or religious notion. it's an idea that has been constant throughout history. some attributes or characteristics of people have been thought to be more noble or more desirable than others. certain characteristics of object have been thought to be more valuable, useful, etc. and of course there have been changes depending on the context and time period.

Aristotle said that virtue is the middle point between deficiency and excess of a certain characteristic. He used this is the context of the virtuous characteristics that are found in individuals. But we can apply this to certain items as well. For example, when looking for a material to build tall buildings, the characteristic of strength would be considered one that is very important. Depending on the height, some pliability is also needed in order for it to not stand too rigid in high winds. These same characteristics when discussing a wedding cake are not needed in the same proportion nor to be valued at the same level as compared to steel.

what I mean by all of this is quite simple.

Oftentimes, we put a much higher value on things that what their intrinsic worth is. And a much higher value on characteristics of people and things than what is appropriate.

Who or what have you overvalued in your life? What do you see in other people that you overvalue? Who or what have you undervalued in your life? What do you see in other people that you undervalue?

Just some questions...

Breath

2011-01-27T22:23:00.005-05:00

So tonight (1/27/2011) at small group we sang this song. It was done with excellence as is the norm for our worship leader. But a line stuck out to me, and it is one that is probably overused within Christian music. It's overused in all types of music. We normally attribute this metaphor to something that we feel we cannot live without. Most often it is in reference to relationships though I have heard it used to speak of sports and hobbies as well. But in the context of my small group, the phrase is speaking of God.

"You are the air I breathe..." - Always Forever by Phil Wickham

It's kind of interesting. I normally think this means that like somehow God is all we need and the only thing that matters, and in some sense that is true. In comparison to all other things, for the Christian, one's relationship with God, or more important God's relationship with us, is of utmost importance.

But let's think this metaphor through.

So in life. We definitely need breath, right?

I mean, if we're honest, we really can't do much else. Let's take a look Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. If you look, on the bottom rung is breath. Pretty important. Essential actually. There is never a time that anything else can be experienced, enjoyed, or even survived without breath. But there are other things in life. Good things. But breath is essential. Gen. 2:7 tells us that "Then the LORD God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being."

So from the beginning, we needed breath.

Back to the song.

Oh. This isn't a Bible teaching by the way, so you aren't going to see a bunch of Scripture passages. Mostly because I don't all of them off the top of my head, and this is a blog, and so I am just writing free form with whatever come into my head. Sort of like a journal except all 5 of you can read it.

But what I was thinking is this. God created so many good things for us to enjoy. First, in the Genesis account, if you are a man, he created woman. Good call God. All of us men say thank you! For the women reading this, the same is true, as God intended for us to walk side by side enjoying each others company and doing life together. But we couldn't do it without breath. We couldn't experience the joy and....heartache of relationship without breath. We couldn't experience the sunrise with a good cup of coffee in the morning without breath. Or take in a view of Grand Canyon. Or listen to a great piece of music and be moved to the core of who we are without breath. Or taste a meal with such complexity, flavors so well balanced that we want to savor each bite. Or for those with children, to just watch your child sleep. Without breath, none of this is possible.

I overstate the obvious to say this.

our amazingly creative and redeeming God has overwhelmed us with his love. with his grace. forgiveness. kindness. and healing. he is the air we breathe. and how amazing that in his being our everything, he enables us to enjoy and experience the beauty, depth, and richness of this life that he has given us. that he designed. wow. what a good dad. he really does give good gifts. Matthew 7:11 (i had to throw one more in there)

Dating and God's Pride

2011-01-21T17:40:00.004-05:00

"I'm really proud of you."

Those were the words that I felt God say to me after I had asked a girl out for coffee a few years back.

Man. How's that for weird? Apart from the craziness that God speaks to us, to me, add in that he would choose to say he was proud of me for asking out a girl. I mean, wasn't I supposed to kiss dating goodbye at some point in my journey through my high school Christian culture? But he said he was proud of me or at least that is what I felt.

And I believe it.

God being proud of us for doing things that, for some of us, don't fall into the confines of what we think God would consider important. Wouldn't he save words like that for extended prayer times, after I taught at church, or when I shared my faith journey with a friend?

Evidently not.

He was proud of me for doing something that I was created to do. Be in relationships. Take risks. Especially take risks with my heart. Not something that I do very often. But it isn't even that. It's that God created us to do many things. Breathe. Eat. Work. Sleep. Talk. Smell. So if he made us for these things, could it be that he takes joy in us doing these things? To simplify, wouldn't it make sense that if he chose to create us - an intentional act of his will - that he would delight in us for simply being. For just existing. For those of us who have entered into his grace to us in Jesus, we are accepted and beloved - children of God. He is pleased with us for just being. He is proud of us for just doing what he created us to do, whether that is taking the risk to act out a girl or go climbing or lead a small group or apply for the promotion or venture into reading the Bible for the first time maybe. Maybe pray for the first time.

If we only were able to see how God sees and not how we think he sees based upon our projections. Whoa. Game over.

Check out some of these scriptures for reference: Psalm 18:19, Psalm 37:11, Psalm 41:11, Romans 8:38-39, Ephesians 1:18 just to name a few.

A Culture of the Un-Blessed

2011-01-11T18:10:00.004-05:00

Today in Dr. Terry Wardle's class, Person in Prayer, we spoke about the idea of benediction. For those who didn't grow up religious or attended a church in which the term "benediction" wasn't used, let me define it. A benediction is the blessing spoken over a group of people, most often at church, and most often at the end of a church service. Throughout history, including biblical history, the idea of blessing was really important to families. Fathers would speak blessings over their children, most often their sons. And it was more than simply kind words. The idea was that the blessing of the father, in this culture, actually changed things. It actually help create a different future in the son than would have been if the blessing had not been spoken. Now we could chat about the many ways in which blessing, or the speaking of God's divine favor over someone impacts the individual... and there are many. Spiritual, psychological, and physically just to name a few. But the clearest example, and the one that God set in the book of Numbers to the Israelites is found in Numbers 6.

²² The LORD said to Moses, ²³ “Tell Aaron and his sons, ‘This is how you are to bless the Israelites. Say to them:

²⁴ “‘“The LORD bless you
and keep you;
²⁵ the LORD make his face shine on you
and be gracious to you;
²⁶ the LORD turn his face toward you
and give you peace.”’

But what Dr. Wardle was saying that we really should take the time to bless people whenever the opportunity arises. Even more, we should create opportunities to speak blessing over people. We all long for it. We all yearn to not simply be praised and applauded for our efforts, actions, or abilities, but to be blessed. What I mean is that a blessing speaks to who you are, but not only to who you are at that moment. A blessing speaks to who the person who is pronouncing the blessing sees you to be, or sees who you will be. In a Judeo-Christian blessing, it should be one step further, and this is an important step further. This type of blessing speaks to how God sees you as an individual and what future he sees for you. There are so many ways to take time to bless another person. In our culture, we don't see this.

But in our world we mostly encounter discouragement and cynicism with a possible dash of indifference. This is not blessing. This is the anithesis to blessing.

So today. Bless someone. Encourage someone. Take the time to get God's perspective on that person, and then share it with them. Let them know that they are doing a great job. Give that compliment that you have been resisting giving.

Like the famous sculpture and shoe company, Nike says, "Just do it."

Living A Better Story

2010-08-20T21:44:00.003-04:00

What kind of story do I want to live? Good question. I can honestly say that most of my life has been spent pondering this question. What do I want life to look like? How should I - -as the main character of my story -- look, act, feel, and dress? What kind of friends and what kind of job should I have to make this a really great story? A great story worth reading. So for the past 20 years or so the creation of a story that is seemingly worth others reading has been my story. And what I’ve realized is that the more time I spend taking the trails that others have gone, following the paths of those whose stories seem quite adventurous and fulfilling, I feel less and less like me. I was constantly trying to implement into my life what I admired in the lives of others, hoping that I could create this amazingly beautiful story worth living. It has created this hodgepodge of pseudo interests, halfhearted pursuits, and sometimes empty relationships. So there has been this stream of my story that has been filled with fleeting fulfillment in which I live out portions of others’ stories, too afraid to dream about my own.

But there has been this other parallel stream that has flowed in my life, in my real story. It has been the ongoing story of God. Now mind you, most of the time I have amnesia about this truth. But I catch glimpses of this storyline in my life as I have seemingly chance encounters with individuals who become close friends, experience community in unexpected places, and sense God’s hand guiding my life in inexplicable ways. It is in these moments where I feel very small and God feels big that I get a sense of where my story fits and where I am going. Last week, I had one of those moments outside of my favorite coffee shop in Clintonville. I didn’t need to keep looking around to everyone else’s story longingly, hoping that my story could look something like that, trying to implement what has brought joy and significance to them. No. The God of the Universe, who has shaped and formed me, has invited me to His story, to play a really cool part. One that has real significance and meaning. It can seem so much bigger than me, God so much more vital to the story than I, and this is all actually true. But what brings wonder and joy to me is that while I don’t have to be the glue that holds everything together, or the ultimate overarching story in this world, God has really been shaping and forming this story which is more authentic and fulfilling to me than I could have ever created by my own collage of others’ stories. This in no way takes my involvement out of the story writing. I have to jump on board with the story of God, follow its direction, and understand my part in it. But this looks much more like living in real community, loving the people that are in my life, and being thankful for what I have in the present. I want to live a life that is constantly aware of God’s overarching story and my intersecting with that. This is where it gets exciting. So I am choosing to live in the “sacrament of the moment,” where it all matters and all counts. I have vision and goals for my life, but the future must never control my present so much that I cannot be fully alive in the now.

I feel that the Living A Better Story Seminar would greatly benefit me as it would allow me to set aside a few days to hear from Donald Miller and others concerning how one becomes more intentional about the living of one’s story. This would also give me time to reflect more deeply on my current story. So often, I don’t take the time to think specifically about the direction that I am headed. I sort of just go from one thing to the next with a vague sense of purpose and aim. I would love the opportunity for a few days of interrupted time to learn more about this idea of living a better story and how it can shape my life towards a greater sense of adventure and meaning. I would like to hear about how we are to balance being a part of a bigger story (God’s) and yet making decisions for this story that we are living. I would also like to hear about and think more deeply about the challenges to taking risks and what keeps us from doing that.

Living A Better Story Seminar

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.

Through Painted Deserts

2010-08-15T15:10:00.002-04:00

I just finished reading Donald Miller's book "Through Painted Deserts." What an enjoyable read. It is the story of a road trip he took back in the 90's, sometime after high school. Miller is a really incredible storyteller. I think this is what drew me to this book and what kept me in it with anticipation. He invites you into the journey so that you feel as if you are traveling with Paul and himself in their '71 VW Minibus. But what makes it such a great read is the transparency of Miller's thoughts and their progression throughout the trip. I could certainly relate to the wonderings and questions he asked throughout the book concerning the why's of life and the world. Donald Miller let's you look into his mind and heart as he processes through his insecurity, admiration, fears, joys, and faith.

What has it changed in my thinking? I'm not sure except that some of my thoughts aren't that weird or strange. There are other people that analyze life and relationships as I do. There are others that ask questions like me. No one is as neat and tidy as we want to appear on the outside. That relationships are what really matter in this life. The people you love. Your family. your friends. Those that invite you into their lives. To appreciate simplicity and again realizing that TV commercials, movies, ads, and most of what we seem to pursue as important really has no real value. What other people think about us, what group or category we may seem to relate to the most. None of it really matters.

I want to close with an excerpt from the "Through Painted Deserts":

"... I will sleep beneath the stars and whisper thank you to the Creator of the universe, as a way of reacquainting myself to an old friend, a friend who says you don't have to be smart or good-looking or religious or anything; you just have to cling to Him, to love Him, need Him, listen to His story."

Back to Life in Columbus

2010-07-03T15:41:00.004-04:00

(This is one of many incomplete blog postings that I finally posted on 1.11.11

So I just got back from two weeks in Costa Rica and Nicaragua on Tues, well Weds morning at 1:30 am. What an incredible time! The people that I went with are amazing individuals. Eleven of us from Joshua House/Vineyard Columbus left on June 15th and arrived the 30th. I only knew three individuals very well on the team before this trip. After two weeks everyone now feels like family.

It was truly amazing all the mishaps that we experienced down there: sickness, missed ferries, broken luggage racks, broken down vans (twice), scorpion bites, and flight delays in Atlanta (twice) just to name a few. Oh I almost forgot the 15 hour van ride to a location that was 7 hours away. But through it all we laughed, joked, smiled, drank horchata, prayed, cried, and worshiped together. A thought was shared at one of our last meetings that joy would be the strength of our team. This was the absolute truth. In the midst of difficulties, there was never a shortage of laughter, joking, and joy!

But it wouldn't be at all accurate to leave you with a sense that the trip was just difficult! All of those things listed above seem like small parts of our journey. For these two weeks, I experienced community and family with 10 other amazing people. To see their hearts for God and love for people was amazing. We all had our own strengths and made unique contributions to the team. Some were exceptionally hard workers, others made it impossible to be discouraged no matter what, some had smiles that lit up your day, while others you knew were constantly praying for the team. It was the body of Christ in action.

And man, we were active. In two weeks, we were able to play with little kids at an orphanage/school for a day, paint a Christian ministry that reached at risk kids, do yard work, lay brick for a medical clinic, paint schools, have a party for 250 kids and parents, pray with many individuals, including two who we know that God healed physically and emotionally. We formed community with the leaders of the Vineyard Palmares in Costa Rica. What an incredible group of individuals who are passionate about people meeting Jesus and furthering the kingdom of God through planting churches.

I could tell so many stories but let me leave with two things that I learned from this trip.

1. The Kingdom of God is best experienced and furthered in and through community.
- This was a lesson that I had been learning through the new community that I have met in Columbus since January, but this really solidified on this trip. What an amazing experience of acceptance and encouragement to be surrounded by people who you have not know for very long, but who have faith in you as an individual. It is great to know that the people that you are serving next to are truly committed to the mission of the kingdom but also committed to relationship with you. It makes any difficulty or experience not only bearable but enjoyable. This is truly the best way to understand what it is to be part of the family of God. This is also the best way to show the kingdom of God to others. Let me see the love that you have for each other. And when you are discouraged, you have a family that is there to support you and encourage you, reminding you of the reason that you are doing all of this!

2. The need for God is truly universal, the hope that he offers is universally relevant, and He is already at work throughout the world. On this trip, I felt that my eyes were open to the needs of a people who had very little on the island of Ometepe, Nicaragua. They were very poor, lived in cramped spaces, and had nothing of what we would comfort "comfort."

A Sunday Afternoon

2010-06-13T16:44:00.003-04:00

(One of a few blogs that I never completed. I finally posted it on 1.11.11)

Today is Sunday. A new day. A new week. Simply new.

I'm leaving for Costa Rica on Tues afternoon which is pretty cool, and I found myself having a few extra minutes this afternoon between watching the World Cup, making a poor cup of coffee, and J-House

John Wimber & Diet Coke

2010-05-21T16:21:00.002-04:00

So this isn't really a blog post as much as something interesting that I just read. When people would ask John Wimber if he would spend hours in fasting and prayer before he taught or prayed for people, he would answer that he "drank a Diet Coke." He was arguing that he was no more spiritual than anyone else, that we all have the Holy Spirit working in us, and thus God didn't use him because he was so spiritual but because of who Jesus is and what he has called Christians to be and to do as He gives His Spirit to them.

I love that. So accessible. God has not created a caste system in the Christian faith in which there are those who are the spiritually "elite", the "middle class" of those who are pretty good and can make some difference in the world, and the poor, or those who are just on the margins of the faith. No caste system. Equally ground before the cross. Same God working in all of us. That is encouraging.

(Information from The Quest for the Radical Middle by Bill Jackson)

The Holy Reversal

2010-05-15T18:07:00.003-04:00

From Thomas Oden's The Word of Life, speaking of Christ becoming fully human:

"As a person he went through "the various stages of his life." Each step, however, constituted a unique reversal of ordinary expectations and a consequent liberation: 'He determined to be poor... All the things which men unrighteously desired to possess, he did without and so made them of no account. All the things which men sought to avoid and so deviated from the search for truth, he endured and so robbed them of their power over us.' Accordingly he "refused to be a king, " did not marry, "bore with insults," and while "They thought a cross the most shameful form of death: He was crucified'" (Augustine, OTR XVI, p. 26-28).

Man. Jesus made these things of no account. All those things which we pursue as holding ultimate satisfaction and those things that we avoid because we believe cause irreparable damage. He said, "Let me show you that these hold no power." Jesus did just come to show us who God is but he came to show us what it is to be fully human.

Thoughts?

I am the Elder Son

2010-05-09T15:02:00.003-04:00

I am the elder son.

In the Bible, the story of the prodigal son is found in Luke 15:11-32. In this story, there are two sons. The younger son asks for his share of the inheritance before his father has died. This may not seem like a large issue, as the giving of inheritances are often done preemptive to avoid large tax bills. This is not the case in this story. No tax laws spoken of. For the younger son to ask for his inheritance early is the same as wishing that his father were dead. The father complies and gives his younger son his half of the inheritance. The young son, being the idiot that he is, blows all his money on partying and women. As would be expected, once his money is exhausted so are his friends' interests in him. He gets a minimum wage job on a farm, where he realizes that he living much worse than that of living at home in the comfort of his father's provision.

He begins his journey home, all the while devising a plan to convince his father to take him back as a servant. He probably wasn't desiring to stay as a servant, maybe just long enough to get in his father's good graces again. Penitence and all. The father, who really should be the main character in this story, sees his son from far off. He is overwhelmed with joy and runs to meet him. When the father makes it to his wearied and weathered son, he throws his arms around him and embraces him and kisses him. He is overcome with emotion. The son tries his planned speech but his father will have none of it. No son of his will be a servant. He puts on him the best clothes and a ring, which signified his sonship, and threw him a huge party.

Great story.

Except this is where I come in.

I am the older son.

The older son has been working hard in the field. He didn't leave his father. He couldn't imagine doing that to his father. He wouldn't leave him high and dry like his younger brother. That wasn't an option. His work load had actually increased since his irresponsible and lazy brother had left. Who did his brother think he was? Didn't he know how much it hurt his father when he asked for his inheritance early and then left? Doesn't he think of other people's feeling?

No.

The older son would never do that.

He couldn't.

Someone had to do the right thing.

This was his lot in life.

Do the right thing.

(And secretly wonder what it would be like to not care and do whatever he wanted.)

But that was not an option.

I am the older son.

So the older son returns home from working in the fields, managing and supervising his father's servants. It had been a long day. Hot. Some days he wanted to leave it all, but that wasn't an option. He was the obedient son. He was the faithful one. And then he hears music. Wow. He works all day then someone throws a party which he wasn't invited to. Not that it was completely surprising. He wasn't always the most fun to be around. He struggled with just letting go and having a good time.

The music. What was the reason for the celebration?

He called for his personal servant. He would know what was going on. He couldn't believe what his servant was saying. His younger brother was home. He finally came back. The older brother knew that it was only time before he came back. He always got into trouble and needed help getting out. So dependent on others. Why couldn't he just figure out how to live without always needing help. Asking for the inheritance early. Why didn't he just save up or work hard like the older brother? And now coming back home. If he wanted to come home so badly, he should have got a good job, saved up, and then paid the father back for the inheritance. You should never come back empty handed. Especially after the stunt that his younger brother pulled.

But his father. How could he! How could he throw a party for this irresponsible kid! How dare he show a positive response to him! Wouldn't that only stand to encourage his younger brother to do something awful like this again. Daddy will always clean up your messes. The older brother knew that the secret to his life was to do as little as possible that required the help of others. He didn't want to depend on others. He knew that if he did what was right, stayed around, worked hard, was faithful, didn't do anything to cause his father's disapproval, then maybe he would finally feel accepted and worthwhile. He just had to keep going. Keep trying to be better. Be more faithful. Work harder. Grow the father's business. Increase productivity. Manage the father's possessions with greater care than his own. But not the younger son. He thought of nothing like this. It wouldn't have entered his mind to serve his father or put others before himself. Never.

He decided that he couldn't, he wouldn't enter this party. It was the principle of it. He didn't want to show approval of what his brother did. And if he celebrated his return, that might show the younger brother that it wasn't a big deal what he did. And it was a big deal. The older brother thought that maybe he could go into the party but only if he went straight to his younger brother and told him off. Yes. That would be the best response, BUT people would think quite poorly of the older brother if he did that. He couldn't risk his family, friends, and servants see him angry and bitter.

No.

That wouldn't do.

The best decision was to stay outside of the party. Maybe everyone would think that he was still working.

Yes.

That was the solution.

Save face and remain angry, bitter, and judgmental outside of the party. He would have the opportunity to tell his father and brother what he thought about this whole thing.

But he would not have that option. The father heard that the son was back from the fields and was refusing to enter the party.

"Son, please. Please come in and celebrate your brother's return!"

"Look how many years I've stayed here serving you, never giving you one moment of grief, but have you ever thrown a party for me and my friends? Then this son of yours who has thrown away your money on whores shows up and you go all out with a feast!" (Luke 15:28-30, The Message)

I am the older son.

I have stayed. I have always stayed.

I have been faithful. Mostly.

I have served the Father. I have sought to be obedient in (almost) every way. I always thought of others feelings (and sometimes how those feelings would affect me.) I was always conscious of how I would make my Father look if I acted certain ways. I didn't want people to be disillusioned about my Father by my actions and words (or reject me.) My life has been one of pleasing. Everybody. If I could just do everything right, make everything right, fix everything and everybody, then life would be good. Then I would be accepted. Then I would be loved. Then all in the world would be right.

I have never understood those who do whatever they want to, seemingly without a care for others. Others' feelings. Others' acceptance. Don't they care about being looked upon well? How could they risk all of that? Success. Approval. Acceptance. Failure. Condemnation. Rejection.

It is painful to attempt to do everything right. To make everyone happy. To please everyone. To not live your life to meet your own needs all the time. To live with this belief that somehow you are missing out. That something is missing. But you are doing everything right. Or at least trying to.

Then a party is thrown for the rebellious and arrogant younger brother. I get no party. I get responsibilities. Duties. Tasks. Praise for faithfulness to that which seems lifeless. Praise for being consistent. Praise for serving others. For putting others first. Inside, I was, and sometimes still am, bitter that I have played life safe thinking that I needed to in order to be approved and not rejected.

Evidently this isn't true. Because my younger brother is being celebrated and showered with love, acceptance, approval, affirmation without having been successful or productive or even faithful.

Something in this equation is wrong.

I am the older son.

Where's my party?

My Father says, "Son. My beloved son. Everything I have has always been yours! In my heart, in my mind, and even in my eyes, you are always with me. I haven't gone anywhere. I am always accessible to you. And I would have given you anything that was mine for you to celebrate and enjoy with your friends. I have never wanted your time at home with me to be restrictive. My heart is for you live life to the fullest. This will always be your home and you have always been loved by me. You are my son. Period. Nothing you do or don't do will change that. Haven't I proven that by how I am loving and celebrating your brother? You are accepted. You are approved. You belong. Rest in knowing that I love you!"

And this is the part that I really love about the father in the story and our Heavenly Father.

He doesn't let the older son or me remain in my self-centered bitter upheaval. He doesn't cancel the party so that he can continue to encourage me and love me. I need to believe the words that He has said to me. I need to trust Him. For He is still overwhelmed with excitement and extravagant love for the younger son and this party for His son must go on!

"...but this is a wonderful time, and we had to celebrate. This brother of yours was dead, and he's alive! He was lost, and he's found!" (Luke 15:31-32, The Message)

I am the older son.

But I am beginning to embrace the Father's words to me. I cannot earn his love, acceptance, or approval. I don't have to live in the fear of failing Him. My older brother, Jesus, lived a perfect life and did everything so that my failures would no longer count against me. There has always been so much love and life for me to receive from simply being with my Father and believing the all that He has said to me and done for me.

I choose to believe. And receive.

The Father's unconditional love and acceptance of me.

"God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love." (1 John 4:17-18. The Message)

Providence...And I don't mean Rhode Island

2010-02-08T16:16:00.003-05:00

(Partially completed blog post that I never posted. Finally posted on 1.11.11)

I'll be honest. I don't know the exact theological definition of providence. I would imagine it depends on what paradigm you are coming from. I see providence as the hand of God guiding one's life. This isn't something that is forced or that one cannot avoid. It is the sense that God's hand is on one's life and he is "setting you up." That's my take at least. We don't have to respond to this guiding and "opening doors" if you will.

I look at my life and journey over the past year and a half or so and I clearly see God at work. Pieces of my life that I would have never thought worked together, did. I am in seminary on a scholarship that pushed me to go full-time. I'm living in C

Hope.

2010-01-29T15:02:00.003-05:00

Am I the only one who, at times, finds more honest encouragement from songs not written by "Christian" musicians but by those who don't know Christ? There are certainly songs written about hope by Christian artists, but oftentimes they don't touch the deep places in our hearts. Is it that we feel like, as Christians, we can't touch the deepest places inside of us because we aren't supposed to feel those feelings? I am just wondering. I realize that people could give me scores of Christian songs that they have found hope in. I am simply saying, that at times, there seems to be a deeper honesty in music that is not written by followers of Christ. This doesn't come from a pent up frustration towards Christian music. It simply comes out of my reflection of listening to music the last 10-15 minutes. But there have been other 10-15 minutes intervals that have informed this thought as well... Any thoughts?

Wanted to Share A Poem

2009-12-01T16:05:00.003-05:00

I'm reading a text for my masters and came across this poem...

Earth is crammed with heaven
And every common bush afire with God;
But only he who sees takes off his shoes,
The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries.

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Morning

2009-11-16T18:55:00.002-05:00

The sun is coming up. The hope of a new day. Breakfast. Morning. The beams of sunlight starting to drench all of God’s creation. The coolness of night being displaced by the warmth of the sun. There is hope. There is life. There is new creation. There was life and beauty the whole time in the darkness of night. It was there. Resting. The purple flowers. They were there. Containing the gentle fragrance that is activated in the warmth of the sun. Morning. To be at peace as the day begins. To have time to reflect. Gain perspective on the day. The world is not out to get me. I have You. You found me. You sought me. You have asked if You could protect me. Bless me. Guard me. Keep me. Give me joy. You desired me. You desire me. So in this morning, I am blessed. By Your warmth that clears the fog and ice crystals from my heart. By Your grace that I am held in. Held under the waterfall of your grace and kindness until every part of me is drenched in the unearned, undeserved, but lavishly gifted, love of my Father, my Creator. Morning. How I love the warm embrace of Your sun. How I delight in Your rest. Peace. A new day has come. The sun is coming up.

(This was written as an exercise in class. It came from reflecting on a picture of an English cottage with a beautiful garden with purple flowers. The sun is in the process of painting everything in light. I will post the picture when I find it.)

So It's Been a While

2009-08-23T21:16:00.004-04:00

I haven't written in quite some time. That's rather sad actually... disappointing even. I enjoy writing. Especially when I can just write in my flow of thought. Which can be quite random at times.

So I'm going back to school starting in the middle of September. Ashland Theological Seminary. I know, right? Some of you are probably thinking that it is about time. I completely disagree. Up to this point, I really had no desire to go to seminary. In the time since college, I have contemplated many several career paths. Lawyer, financial planner, teacher, youth pastor, young adult pastor, church planter... Heck, I even thought about taking over my dad's business!

But here I am.

Seminary.

For those of you not familiar, no, I am not going to be a priest. It is simply graduate school for ministers/pastors. But it is certainly a big step in the direction of occupational ministry. I'm not exactly sure what that looks like. I mean, I know what ministry looks like. I just don't know what direction I want to move in.

I was really challenged at the this festival called Breathe down in Columbus. It's put on by Joshua House, the twenty-something community of the Columbus Vineyard. Thirteen of us from our Tues. night Bible study group went down. But while I was there, I went to a breakout session for church planters. In it, I heard Jay Pathak, a pastor of the Vineyard church out in Arvada, Colorado, talk about his experience planting a church. And what type of person it takes to plant a church. And I was so challenged but something deep in my heart really wanted to be like that. To have a consistency to the level that I share Jesus with people. The hope of being restored to God, not on our good deeds, but because Jesus restored our lives by his life and death. To consistently lead people who don't know Jesus to knowing Jesus. And to then disciple them. And then raise them up as leaders, walking in the shape and character and calling that they were created for. This to me sounds like the most exciting of lives. Truly. That is what I want.

I'm not sure if I am going to plant a church. But I am sure that I want this faith of mine, this all encompassing relationship with God that I have to begin to make more of a difference in the world that I call my life. Not necessarily at this point making disciples of all nations. Maybe just living out authentic faith in front of those that call me friend, co-worker, employee, brother, son, and uncle.

So I'm going to Ashland Seminary starting in September. Don't have the job situation figured out yet. I'm going full-time in October. Working part-time. Yet I am sure of this, "that I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living."

Journeying with God has its ways of stretching you. Stretching you in ways that you never would have thought that you could be. But as it begins to happen, at least for me, I come to realize that this is what I have been asking for. This uncomfortable, unfamiliar place is leading me to what I have always wanted. I can say that I feel like I am becoming more of the man that God has shaped me to be. And I am happy with that.

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. - Lamentations 3:22

Another Panera Morning

2009-05-31T11:13:00.003-04:00

(One of a few uncompleted blog posts. I finally posted this on 1.11.11)

You ever hear something; small like a whisper but clear enough and loud enough to know with certainty what you've heard?

I did this morning. I heard the word "fire."

1 Kings 19

Elijah Flees to Sinai

¹ When Ahab got home, he told Jezebel everything Elijah had done, including the way he had killed all the prophets of Baal. ² So Jezebel sent this message to Elijah: “May the gods strike me and even kill me if by this time tomorrow I have not killed you just as you killed them.”

³ Elijah was afraid and fled for his life. He went to Beersheba, a town in Judah, and he left his servant there. ⁴ Then he went on alone into the wilderness, traveling all day. He sat down under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors who have already died.”

⁵ Then he lay down and slept under the broom tree. But as he was sleeping, an angel touched him and told him, “Get up and eat!” ⁶ He looked around and there beside his head was some bread baked on hot stones and a jar of water! So he ate and drank and lay down again.

⁷ Then the angel of the Lord came again and touched him and said, “Get up and eat some more, or the journey ahead will be too much for you.”

⁸ So he got up and ate and drank, and the food gave him enough strength to travel forty days and forty nights to Mount Sinai,^{a]" style="line-height: 0.5em;">[a]} the mountain of God. ⁹ There he came to a cave, where he spent the night.

The Lord Speaks to Elijah

But the Lord said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

¹⁰ Elijah replied, “I have zealously served the Lord God Almighty. But the people of Israel have broken their covenant with you, torn down your altars, and killed every one of your prophets. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me, too.”

¹¹ “Go out and stand before me on the mountain,” the Lord told him. And as Elijah stood there, the Lord passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. ¹² And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper. ¹³ When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave.

And a voice said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

The Chiropractor

2009-05-11T18:39:00.002-04:00

chiropractic |ˌkīrəˈpraktik|nouna system of complementary medicine based on the diagnosis and manipulative treatment misalignments of the joints, esp. those of the spinal column, which are held to cause other disorders by affecting the nerves, muscles, and organs.
So as I was typing the title, I suddenly realized I was unsure of the spelling of said word. So I highlighted it, held Control and clicked on it. I then chose Look up in Dictionary. And the above definition came up. It doesn't have a real significant meaning. That's not why I included it with this entry.
What is important is that my back has really been bothering me, and I feel that I am on the road to recovery. Mostly because someone who knows more than I AND can do something about it is now working on the problem. It's amazing how that no longer is an issue that worries me. I feel like I have put it Dr. Colvin's hands and I am golden. As I left his office today, I felt like I was walking taller, standing straighter, and overall feeling more optimistic. I find it intriguing how so many factors play into how I feel. Physical, emotional, relational, spiritual, and all the other "-al's.
In other news, I am just finishing up my essay questions for seminary in the fall. I'm pretty excited but also a bit nervous. I honestly don't think it has hit me yet that in a few short months I will be in school again for an unspecified amount of time. I had a friend recently ask me if I really wanted to spend 7 years going to grad school part time. I had honestly never thought about that. 144 hours. Each class an average of 4 hours. This is 36 classes roughly. They are on quarters. If I go to school for four quarters, two classes a quarter, I will finish in 4 1/2 years. This is the end of 2013. If I take a quarter off every now and again, this extends even further. Hmm... So we will see. We will see.
I'm sure it will hit me when I realize that the amount of free time I used to have was enormous compared to what I will have this fall. Margin. Add more to life. Add margin. Take classes. Margin. Seminary. Margin.
Somehow this must fit together.
Somehow.

An Old Pro

2009-05-09T09:59:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I forget that God is an old pro at watching over and helping guide my life.

I am a firm believer that I can choose to do my own thing, apart from the wisdom and counsel of His Spirit.

Maybe too much so.

Or maybe I don't take seriously enough the depth of which He understands me and is still able to draw me back to going the right direction.

I miss details.

He doesn't.

What is the verse in Matthew? Something about He sees every sparrow that falls from the sky, has every hair on my head numbered; do I really think He is going to forget something even if I do?

But what if He just lets me forget?

What if I just totally miss something? Then what?

And then I reflect. I reflect on all the times that I missed a step in the journey of life, the times where I forgot to do something or had a poor attitude or simply skipped passed an opportunity to show someone love. You know what?

It has always worked out.

Maybe not perfectly. Maybe not, well certainly not, the way I thought it would have. But the key for me is this:

The world did not end.

Nope. Sure didn't.

And the journey continues.

A Day

2009-04-30T18:58:00.002-04:00

Do you ever have one of those days that at the end you think, "This is the day the Lord has made, but I certainly made it stressful."

Slowing down is a foreign concept to me I think. I envy those of you who can stop at any time and take it all in. That has to be a conscious decision for me. And once I make the decision to slow down, even that is a process. I think that is why I enjoy writing and blogging. It let's me just let everything out of my mind that I have been stressing out about. I am realizing though that I place most of the stress on myself. It really isn't external at all.

Margin.

It is a magic word. One that I first read about concisely in a devotional by Rick Warren. There is a Purpose Drive Life Devotional e-mail that I get everyday. It was in there. I find it humorous how one minute I can be reading one author, then the next minute another author who would probably have never imagined they would be read by the same person. Ahh well.

But margin. I think it means giving yourself intentional space. Intentional space. That is such a strange concept. I guess I figure there is always something that I should be doing. Something that I put off from earlier (and that is very likely the case).

But I was listening to a message by Jonathan Rue from the Columbus Vineyard about wasting time on Jesus. That life is about relationships. It's about God. It's about people. And our priorities should align around that. So if something else gets undone because I am just laying on my bed talking to God, that's okay. If I have clothes that need put away but I have not slowed down all day, maybe I should go lay in my hammock and chill out. If I have the choice when people are over to listen to their story or just talk, that would probably be a better idea than making sure each dish is cleaned in the sink. Seriously.

So that's what I want. To know how to rest. To have margin. And to just sit at Jesus' feet and listen. Not thinking about what else I have to do. To just hear His voice and the wisdom that is so incredible. Have you noticed how smart God is? Incredible. Or how nice He is? I mean really. He surprises me each time I screw up. So kind. When I can feel Him (and I know that sounds weird to some of you) and the peace that comes that I don't have all the answers to life. And that's actually really exciting.

Margin.

It allows me to have time to Think. Process. Pray. Worship. Rest.

And now all I need to do is implement it....

Just Getting Home

2009-04-30T00:16:00.003-04:00

I went up to the Indians game tonight. They were playing the Red Sox. I got a pretty sweet deal on these tickets because it is early in the season. Andy, Ben, and my brother, Justin, went up with me as well. We grabbed some dinner at Flannery's, my pre-game favorite. It's an Irish Pub right by the Q and Progressive Field. Had some Irish boxty. Excellent.

Well as you can see I am just getting home from a 7:05 pm game. It went into extra innings and completed around 11:00 pm. The Indians lost. Good times though but long day. No spinning class for me in the morning. 5:30 am will come way to early, so if I move that time to say 6:30-6:45 then it will come later. Not 5:30, because it comes at the same time... at 5:30 am. But the time I need to wake up. That I can change.

I am rambling and I am signing off. Good night.

An Evening of Events

2009-04-29T16:09:00.003-04:00

(This is one of many incomplete blogs that I finally posted on 1.11.11)

Recently I attended Joshua House, the twenty-something community of the Columbus Vineyard. It was a good time. I always love going down there. They don't have everything together just like none of us do. They don't do everything right, just like no church does, but it is a good place. Did I mention I always enjoy going down there. I think the word is relaxing or recharging. It might not even be the place. Maybe it's just a place where I get lost in the sea of 700 young adults. That's kind of nice sometimes. But...

I have to be honest. This blog really isn't about that night, though it was a good time. God very much spoke truths into my heart and the guy that prayed with me up front was really genuine. I have no idea what his name his but he was a good dude.

But the revelation

The Segway Into Blogging

2009-04-28T13:00:00.002-04:00

So a funny thought ran through my head as I started to type my first blog here. And it goes like this...

"How will anyone know that I even have a blog here?"

"And who will read it?"

"Do I have to self-promote myself?"

"Do I blog so that someone will read it or would that completely destroy the illusion of being a freethinker just putting my thoughts out there?"

I feel that by someone simply reading the above questions, you have a small insight into my soul. My psyche. My humanity. My created-ness. And by reading the pass few statements you have learned that I like words. I do. Words are a good time.

I'm not exactly sure what this blog is for except for a good place for me to unwind. And by unwind I don't mean at the end of a rough day. I mean I am coming to grips with the fact that I can be a pretty tightly wound. In all areas of life really. Religion. Relationships. R.... I don't have any more R words but I could say life in general. Not much give. Not much flexibility.

But that is changing. Well, yeah, it is changing. Slowly. But that's a good pace. I know when I try to unwind Christmas lights, the faster I try to go the more knots I create. Patience is the key to unwinding a set of Christmas lights from the previous year. I suppose that unwinding a person is very similar. Jesus would be a great one to help me with unwinding Christmas lights.

"Slow down. Rome wasn't built in a day."

My response would be, "But You spoke and things appeared."

And God's response might be, "Well you aren't me."

That's fair. I mean, that's a fair response on God's part. I'm not Him. I don't need to try to get everything done today, especially trying to unwind and untie all the knots in me. And because God wants us to learn and to be transformed through process, so that it's lasting, He takes His time with us, with me.

Have you ever noticed, for those of you who grew up in church or leading in a church, how easy it is to turn something about you into a more inclusive statement. Re-read the previous paragraph. That last sentence turned into "us" from "me." Bamm! No, Matt, at this point in time, it is about you and your journey. Not our journey. Once again, fair enough. These are the conversations that I have with God and myself. Sometimes just with myself. Sometimes just with God.

Well I'm done. Peace out.